A former co-worker posted this on FB…it’s worth a couple of chuckles 🙂
How to Tell Where a Cop works:
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start wearing size schmedium “Tap Out” t-shirts
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Practice the “Don’t acknowledge me, even while in the police station, look.”
-Thinks sh#t doesn’t stink and even the Chief worships them
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Rates the hotness level of “cranker chicks” and has tried to date at least one at one time
-Learn to play golf drunk.
-Wear hut-hut team T-shirts (size schmedium- to accent pecs and biceps), Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word “breach” and “tactical” in to every conversation. (Ex. “I just breached my pants. That was so funny!”)
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not a SWAT operator, just practice the SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
-Pleasures themselves over gun collection
-Do EVERYTHING together, including showering and “wrestling”
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)
Community Service Units
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Learn to make other cops hate them
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy the shit out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else’s radio traffic.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to chec kout your reflection.
-Refer to the “other” law enforcement officers as “Car cops.”
-“LBR” (Look Bitchin’ Riding) is your mantra. May even have this as a tattoo
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
-Show pictures of your latest and best dog bite.
-Facebook profile pic is of dog
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Starts to look like your dog
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises and bites, even when it is on your ass.
-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it’s a “meeting.”
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Has sold soul and lost balls years ago
-Has awesome pen set
-Updates revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
-Sh#t a brick when Ashley Madison accounts went public
-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-The higher the seniority the further back you sit in briefing
-Is actually respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary.
-Life long case of irrital bowel syndrome (IBS)
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
-Buys migraine medicine by the case
-No time for golf
-Come in at 0800.
-“Breakfast” from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn’t know. Plan your next RV, fishing, wine tasting or motorcycle trip.
-Remembers very well “how we usta do do it.”
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word “liability” in to every sentence.
-Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”
-Has list of all golf courses to visit upon retirement
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
-Wears yoga pants off-duty
-Chuck Norris is GOD
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
-Confuses golf swing with baton swing
– Responds to every question/statement with the word, ‘huh?’
– Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief’s approval rating.
– Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
– Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
– Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
– Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.
-Would rather shoot than golf
-Shaves legs…just because they need an excuse to shave legs
-Dignity is non-existent
-Wears size schmedium uniform shirt with level 4 vest and spandex shorts (looks like a stuffed sausage)
-Thinks teens are laughing because they are excited to see him
-Facebook profile pic and desktop pic is cool bike photo
-Owns DVD collection of Pacific Blue TV series
-Actually got butt hurt during bike patrol scene in 21 Jump Street movie
-Think they look cool in bike uniform, including helmet
-Doesn’t golf- can’t fit clubs on bike